by Leon Terrix

     Her name is Karolina. She’s probably the most beautiful and amazing girl I have ever seen or known. And yet, I almost don’t know anything about her. She’s a girl with golden, blonde hair hat dances in the blowing wind. Her attractive physical features captured my eyes and heart at first sight. It all started last year...
     I was a freshman in high school. The girls in my school were very good-looking. But I was naďve, I had no idea how to handle or even talk to a girl.
     The everyday routing started to take place and I’m kept myself busy mostly with schoolwork. The only time I had to rest was on the train ride home.
     I saw her.
     She had a slight shade of orange that seemed like an eternal flame. I had this hunch that she was someone special. I never had the courage to ask for her name.

     One year passed like a speeding arrow,  and I am now a sophomore, but still find myself clueless on how to communicate with a girl. I saw her again and again. Is this a Godsend? Is God trying to tell me something? I began to think my destiny lied on the same path as hers.
     She’s looking even more attractive this year. From far away, she looks like a goddess descending from the heavens. Right next to her, it’s as if a dream comes true. I suddenly found myself looking at her and not knowing what to think.
     I fall in love with someone I hardly know.
     But I’m determined to do something. I have to do something.

     The next day, we stood side by side on the platform waiting for our trains. She got on the R train while I got on the N train. I wanted to say something to her, but I couldn’t. I was too shy. Right after I got home, I rushed through all my homework and sent an e-mail to Christian, thinking that he might have some ideas on what I should say. But his answers were too obsolete and indistinct. Now, almost for the first time in my life, I felt helpless.

     On the raining day of September 30th, 1999, I woke up 50 minutes later than usual. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to go to school. Then it hit me. It made my clouded head as clear as a diamond. Her. I have to go to school. I have to see her. I have to do something. I moved incredibly fast. I scrambled everything together within 10 minutes and rushed out of the door.
     During school, I couldn’t pay attention in any class. Instead, I found myself staring out the window wondering about her and what I should say to her. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally got to talk with Christian, Guang, and Jared during lunch at sixth period. They told me what to say and how to act. I felt a little better. Right after lunch, I rushed to her math class. Another thing hit me, what if she was a junior? My chances would certainly be small.
     What am I gonna do?
     What would she think of me when I ask her?
     Then I saw the junior, David, and I asked him what math class that was. He answered,
     My heart sunk all the way to the bottom and my stomach seemed to twist into a tight ball.
     She was a junior.

     On the 4 train, she sat right across from me. Jared and I went through everything I should say. As the conductor announced, “this is 59th street,” my heart started to beat faster and faster. I got off with Jared and Christian and followed her to the Queens-bound R and N train platform. Jared nudged me to ask her, but I couldn’t.
     I just couldn’t do it.
     I kept looking back at Jared and he kept on giving me encouraging looks. Finally I went up to her and said,
     “Hey, my name is Corran, what is your name?”
     In her soft and enchanted voice, she told me her name was Karolina. Then I said,
     “Maybe we can hang out sometimes?”
     My heart beat increased even more. It was hammering so hard it felt like it would jump out of my chest.
     “No thanks, I don’t think so.” she replied.
     I barely heard those words as I followed her into the R train. I asked her if there is any chance for me to go out with her, she told me that she was a 17 year old junior who started school late. She said,
     “Sorry, I’m too old for you. 2 years is a lot.”
     When we got off the R and waited for the F, I asked her, “If I’m a junior, would you have said yes?” She said,
     “No, probably not, cuz I really like someone else.”
     I bid her farewell and did not pushed the point any further. I felt depressed, sad, and dead. It took me so long to come up with the courage to ask and I’m abnegated.
     I felt like such a loser, such a scrub.
     Jared tried to comfort me, but I didn’t feel any better.

     Today, on the first day of October 1999, I looked for her, but she seemed to be absent. I really hated myself for some reason.
     Why am I such a loser?
     I don’t know if I’m ever gonna get over her. At least she let me down gently. One thing is for sure, I will never forget her beautiful face, her golden blonde hair, her everything.

     Her name is Karolina. She will always be a part of my memory.